You’re doing it wrong
Large hardon
1About a week ago, the LHC was preparing itself for its inaugural 2010 current ramp to values consistent with 3.5 TeV energy proton beams. While this was simply an opening act for the feature presentation (actual 3.5 TeV + 3.5 TeV collisions) next week, it certainly was an exciting and optimistic event celebrated widely at CERN and around the world. Record energies were reached in the field of particle acceleration, and the timing was perfect considering the growing awareness of the 2010-2011 LHC physics programme.
One media outlet that decided to express its enthusiasm for the huge success of the LHC’s initial foray into the high energy realm was the British online newspaper The Telegraph. Here is the article they published the day after the successful 3.5 TeV commissioning; really, things are pretty tame in this write-up — catchy headline, video of cute physicists, and lots of fervent anticipation for next week’s collision extravaganza. However, when this article first appeared on the website of The Telegraph, their elation with the world record breaking energy ramp-up was much more apparent:

If that didn’t strike you as odd, have a look at that headline one more time.
Actually, this is quite a natural joke to be made, if you think about it. I was surprised to find that, while ‘large hadron collider’ yields around 900k Google hits, ‘large hardon collider’ only finds 63.4k! I can only hope that our fellow internet comrades will up the efforts to capitalize on this goldmine. Sexual innuendos mix quite well with physics jargon. How do you think the term hadron was derived in the first place? I feel like we’re not far from hearing the phrases ‘beam dump’ and ‘that’s what she said’ used together quite regularly.
On the other hand, the top hit of that Google search surely sets the bar pretty high: http://largehardoncollider.com/
CERN Document Server
CERN Document Server
2
CERNLover lots-o-love expertly commented on one of CDS’s completely terrible web pages. Today I am reviewing a true classic: http://cds.cern.ch, none other than the CDS home page itself. I should admit that I feel a bit sheepish today; finding egregious flaws on CDS web pages is like shooting fish in a barrel. It is just so universally bad that I’m not sure where to start. Might as well start at the top.
CDS stands for CERN Document Server. It’s a long and difficult acronym (no, not really), so the CDS folks have helped you out by putting that title right at the top where you can’t miss it. Twice.
Sandwiched between them is the tiny word “Home”. You’d be forgiven for thinking it’s a link; it’s not (I know you already clicked on it). Oh no, if it were a link, it would be a very slightly darker shade of blue indistinguishable to the human eye. Nope, “Home” is just a tiny word surrounded by ample whitespace, serving no purpose whatsoever. It’s true that that on other CDS pages, that space is occupied by breadcrumbs telling you your location, but on the main page it just looks dumb.
Let’s move on to the proud proclamation of how many records CDS has. Actually there are two such statements, about a centimeter apart on my screen … and they don’t match. Just when you thought 900,000 was an impossibly large number, well GUESS WHAT, 1,017,486 is even bigger! I guess we can never really know just how many records CDS has, but rest assured, it’s a gigantic number! A large portion of these records are “fulltext“, a term I (a native English speaker) and my English-speaking friends have never heard in our lives. I’m certainly ready to believe that it is some computer science or librarian term, but I question whether any users actually know or care what it means. Apparently it’s pretty damned impressive though for archives to be sporting fulltext, because it deserves its own sentence. As soon as I find out what the fuck fulltext is I’m going to convert all the documents on my computer to it.
Search or browse? You decide! It’s not clear from first glance what the difference is. I know what “browse” usually means on a website (basically looking through categories instead of text search), but not here. Go ahead, type in a word, click “Browse” and see if you can figure out what the fuck is going on.
Not entering any search or browse terms today? Then perhaps CDS can interest you in two incredibly dense columns filled with terms nobody understands, but by God, every single one of them is a hyperlink pointing somewhere. These columns are labeled “Narrow by collection” and “Focus on“. Every time I read these two labels, my brain grinds to an infuriated halt. Don’t those mean the same thing?! Is there a discernable reason that there are 5 checkboxes next to the left column but not the right? Oh God I am so confused. Those checkboxes and underlining under every single word are making me all misty-eyed remembering my first day learning HTML. Seriously though, the point here is to be impressed by the sheer number of subjects CDS has in its archive. You’re not supposed to be actually reading those, you idiot!
If you do attempt to read the headache-inducing arrangement of subjects, you’ll find some oddities that will make you completely lose whatever faith you may have had in CDS up to this point. For example, there are both “videos” and “videotapes”. I have to admit I don’t understand the difference here. And if you click on “General Talks”, you get a list of … videos.
A truly baffling item at the end of the second column is the heading “Archives”. Holy hell! Do you mean that up until now I haven’t been looking at archives? I thought CDS was by definition an archive! And by the way, CERN Archives apparently make up a subset of Archives, even though I thought the C in CDS stood for CERN. Actually I’m certain it does.
Finally, at the bottom of the page, far, far away from the search box, are some more search options. If you are lucky enough to know what the hell these things are (KISS, anyone?), you might want to include them in your search (after you’ve already done searches that didn’t work, I suppose). That’s kind of like Google saying way at the bottom of their page “Didn’t find what you were looking for? Would you like to search the WHOLE internet? Because up until now we’ve just been fucking with you. Step right up and click a bunch of checkboxes, and we’ll be on our way!”
Amazingly, I only have one suggestion that will fix everything at once with one stroke. Just change the word “site” at the bottom to “shite”.
I would like to apologize to the CDS developers for ridiculing their life’s work …. but, damn. You would think they would care a little bit more about their public image.
Peaceful sounds at work
0Today, this was the definition of the “ambience” in CERN’s Building 40. If I didn’t know better, I’d say I was being sabotaged.
Hear the atmosphere which is so conducive to productive work at CERN.
FOR THOSE WHO LIVE SPICY ONLY
0This week, we bring you another selection from the CERN Market. It seems that we often see some true goodness in and around the posts made on the CERN Market, and this week has no shortage of entertainment value. But, before rolling out the red carpet, perhaps some back-drop should be provided for the non-CERNois readership…
The CERN Market, provided as an open forum to CERN Users to serve as a marketplace for furniture, housing, and vechicles, is truly a lifesaver. Indeed, many gain some valuable experience by searching for apartments on the CERN Market, and I’m sure they combined income of the furniture salesmen/women could rival IKEA’s profits in a given year. Anyone who posts on the CERN Market must have the appropriate computer access to do so. Therefore, no spam is expected.
This week, while browsing an especially interesting category — Other — I came across a post that might have blended in well on craigslist.org, but was very clearly out of place here…
I present to you: “FOR THOSE WHO LIVE SPICY ONLY” (you’re going to want to zoom in on this, but read ahead to get some hints)
Important Notes:
- These are natural fancy color diamonds we’re talking about here.
- These guys will provide door-to-door service with guaranty.
- The missing images (I tried at least a couple of browsers) are, as you would expect, named ‘Kama Sutra.’
I think CERN needs to consider tightening those access rights. On the other hand, CERN definitely needs its fair share of spice.
Losing control
0Clearly, with all the excitement that comes along with proton beams and collisions, it’s easy for us to get a little ahead of ourselves. In all honesty, we simply get a bit cocky when we’re setting world records on a weekly basis — in the context of high energy particle physics, of course. As such, we feel it’s appropriate to push the limits, in many areas of our lives.
One such area in which the boundaries have recently become blurred is in electronic communication. Now, CERN is no stranger to ridiculous e-mail incidents, but I feel like the past week has exposed a new and dangerous beast.
In the past two weeks, my inbox has exploded. I’ve received over 2000 e-mails related to the naturally exciting developments we’ve been a part of recently. As such, it’s reasonable that the authors of these many messages might have stopped paying attention to details. The occasional mis-capitalization, excessive use of commas, and over-use of the phrase “in principle” are not new features to e-mails passed around CERN. However, I saw something for the first time this week which truly stunned me.
In a salutation of an e-mail sent to one of the many e-mail lists of which I am a member, I saw something truly special. Consider this e-mail:
Hi *,
I’m addressing everyone on the list, and I clearly have to say whatever it is I’m saying quickly. I’ve demonstrated that in my salutation.
Regards,
Me
At first, I was baffled. After an instant, though, I realized what he was doing. I’m not sure I’ll ever recover from seeing this.
To my collaborators: please, don’t. Don’t do that. Stop.
Room numbers: more is better
0In case you were distracted by some obscure technical ramblings about “beams” and “collisions”, you may have missed our hugely important announcement regarding CERN building numbers. If your mind has not been blown by CERN’s building numbering system, well, you better sit down, because the numbering going on inside buildings is about to get a lot more amazing.
Let’s take a look at buildings 593 and 572, home of the technical training classrooms. The classrooms are spread across these two adjacent buildings, attached by a short corridor.
Rooms at CERN are labeled with three numbers: building, floor, and room number. This actually makes sense. For example, the meeting room on the first floor of building 160 is labeled 160 1-009. Fair enough.
But CERN’s elite Technical Training team layers its own advanced numbering system on top of this, in an attempt to bring more choice to the customer. According to economists, more choice is always a good thing. For example, you can choose to refer to the auditorium as room 10 or room 11. Your choice. Room 10 means the auditorium. Room 11 means the auditorium. Room 10 also means a totally different room. And room 11 also means yet another different room. So many choices! I feel liberated, from my sanity, that is.
Building numbers revealed!
1If you have ever been to CERN you know that the building numbers here don’t make a damn bit of sense. If they do follow any kind of scheme, it’s not a scheme that helps you find buildings.
Building 3 is adjacent to 4, but connecting them is building … 58! About one km away is building 57. And no, it’s not chronological, because the most recent one built was 41, whereas certain older buildings are labeled in the 800′s.
Well today is a big day in my life, for I’ve just discovered, after seven years of bafflement, that there is a method behind the madness! The method, it turns out, is stupid as hell. It is revealed by this single-slide PowerPoint presentation:
We are eternally grateful to M. Fabrice Chapuis for finally bringing this to light.
I’d like to highlight some features of this numbering scheme:
- Buildings 400-499 are reserved for “Roads, Car Parks, Storage Zones”. Wait, what? Buildings ≠ Roads.
- Buildings 1000-1099 are reserved for “Roads, Car Parks, Storage Zones”. Buildings ≠ Roads.
- Almost every building at CERN could be called an office building, because they almost all have mostly offices in them.
- There are three CERN Hostel buildings, a budget onsite hotel for visitors. Two of these, 38 and 41, are rare examples of buildings with no offices whatsoever. Yet they are classified under “Offices and Laboratories.”
- Why use such limited number ranges? For example, we’re already up to 188 out of 199 under “Workshops, Warehouses and Garages.” And by the way, 188 is mostly an office building.
- Why is there a gap between 549 and 860? This will slowly drive me insane, if I’m not already.
I guess I’m glad to finally know the secret, but I think my head is going to explode anyway.
CERN Conversations: On units
0From time to time, we here at CERN Love are priveleged enough to overhear some truly amazing discussions. Whether we are wandering through one of CERN’s overcrowded restaurants at the peek of lunch hour, spending 8 grueling hours on a shift, or just casually drinking a coffee in the newly-furnished atrium of lovely Building 40, we are privy to some interesting shit coming out of people’s mouths.
Today, I want to bestow upon you a gem of a dialogue I overheard last week between two not-so-intelligent physicists (with a special appearance by an intelligent physicist!):
Dumbass A : So, if you look here, you can see the output rates…
Dumbass B : …yes, I can follow that. My only question is abou–
Dumbass A : –and don’t forget the units are in [read as 'megahertz'] mHz.
Intelligent Physicist : Actually, the units printed there are millihertz.
[...the two dumbasses stare at the laptop screen, and then confusingly at one another...]
Dumbass B : Well, the ‘k’ in ‘kilohertz’ is lowercase, so…
Dumbass A : …yeah, I think it’s ‘mega.’
[Intelligent Physicist walks away, dumbfounded.]
Now, I’ll be the first to admit that CERN is a wonderfully stimulating place, with many of the world’s greatest minds, but this left me awe-struck. If there’s any confusion:
Even Wikipedia says so! The only other question is: what the hell were they discussing that could be measured in millihertz?
Hand-washing at CERN — it’s all in the details
1It’s true; scientists need a few gentle reminders every once in a while in order to maintain order and cleanliness. Just take a walk through CERN’s Restaurant 1 in the middle of the lunch hour, and you’ll be swarmed with a multitude of all-too-unpleasant smells resulting from lack of hygiene. In many cases, a not-so-subtle scolding from a significant other will have an effect. But, when it comes to more mundane habits like keeping one’s hands clean, we physicists really need more active guidance. Therefore, CERN has implemented a 12 Step Program designed to educate its community in the ways of hand hygiene. Nowadays, posted in several of the public lavatories around the lab, you’ll be lucky enough to find detailed instructions:
From now on, you’ll never have to remember this intricate process yourself! An especially useful tool for physicsists, this should also ensure prevention of a massive H1N1 pandemic here at CERN. By following these steps (Wet, Soap, Wrists, Palms, Back of hands, Between fingers, Fingertips, Swirl fingertips, Thumbs, Rinse, Dry, and Turn off taps), you should have no problem keeping your hands squeaky clean. Finally, if you have questions or feedback, feel free to jot your thoughts down on the poster in green ink.
ROOT rants: histogram hierarchy and a little PyROOT
2I was doing some Google searching a couples days ago looking for answers to a ROOT question–I have a new one every day!– and I stumbled on a very nice rant about ROOT. It mentions the ugly default plotting style of that was the focus of my last post, and it hits on many points I would have made myself.
Sorry, if you don’t have any programming experience this post might be too technical. If so, may I instead offer you a large man on a small vehicle?
One thing I really liked is the comment about the crazy inheritance: how a 2D histogram (TH2) inherits from a 1D histogram (TH1). The reasoning for the ROOT authors seems to be that a 2D histogram can be thought of as a long 1D histogram “rasterized” onto a 2D field. In this (convoluted) way, the 2D histogram is a specific type of 1D histogram. But, as the author of that University of Minnesota page notes, there is no reason not to think of the relation going the opposite way: a 1D histogram is just a 2D histogram with only one bin in the second axis. And, this second relation seems a whole lot more obvious and fundamental. The structure the ROOT authors use doesn’t hurt them too badly because in reality most of the operations on histograms happen bin by bin. The implementation of an n-dimensional array very well may boil down to a 1D array; but, are we really doing the user any favors here?
With a TH2 inheriting from a TH1 certainly you would assume there is one advantage: the TH1 class won’t be cluttered with nonsensical methods like GetNbinsY() or GetYaxis(). Of course you would be wrong, just check it out. In fact, given the structure they’ve ended up with, I’m having a hard time coming up with a reason why they even need separate classes for 1D and 2D histograms.
And while I’m still speaking of histograms, the profusion of varieties must be noted: TH1C, TH1S, TH1I, TH1F, TH1D. When I first started using ROOT and hadn’t yet carefully read the documentation I assumed a TH1I would be used to histogram an integer valued parameter, in other words the x-axis would take integer values. Though most parameters we work with have continuous values, counts (usually called “multiplicities”) such as “how many electrons with energy greater than 10 GeV were in the event?” are also very important. Thus histograms over integer values would really fill a need. Of course, this is not what ROOT provides: all a TH1I does is promise to store each bin value (the number that defines the y-value on the graph) as an integer. This doesn’t change the fact that a TH1I can only be Fill()ed using a floating point weight. The Fill() method, and nearly every other method on this class, is defined generically using doubles in the TH1 parent class. Strangely, the functions for requesting a bin value are implemented in the integer specific TH1I class, so you might think that at least they would do the sensible thing and deal only in integers. Instead, the integer stored internally is cast as a double before being returned. As far as I can tell, there is no way to get unadulterated integers, that you know must be in there, out of this class. One might wonder if the different histogram varieties just offer different storage sizes, but then sizeof(Int_t) == sizeof(Float_t), so it’s unlikely. Maybe there is a slight speed advantage when incrementing (though it is hard to imagine this is an issue with any processor having a dedicated floating point unit, taking us back at least 20 years)? I don’t know, I give up.
I think this is enough ROOT ranting for now. Possible topics for a further post
- How histograms and TTrees are owned by the directory they are created in (whereas similar objects like graphs are not). When you are new to ROOT this is guaranteed to lead to mysterious segmentation faults.
- Code that runs without errors or warnings in both compiled and interpreted modes, but produces different results.
- The vector classes: why does the 2D vector have to use
Mag()while the 3D vector usesMod() - Painful limitations to using STL classes like
std::vector<>in interpreted mode. (The reason I gave up on doing any substantial work using interpreted ROOT code.) - Horrible crashing that refuses to let you quit even with
Ctrl-C.
Oh, and regarding my recent issue that lead me to Google for answers: I’ve been using PyROOT a lot lately, but the underlying C++ bites you in the ass now and then. One issue I ran into is functions that modify values passed by reference. Python was designed to avoid this sort of thing, at least for the fundamental types, and so you have to do some annoying array('i', [0]) machinations just to pass a reference to an integer into a function. Thankfully this doesn’t happen often, and it turns out the ROOT manual does explain the work-around well enough if you look in the PyROOT section [PDF] on TTrees. (Instead of a TTree, I was actually trying to use TColor::HLS2RGB(), mostly foolishly, I must say.) On the whole, though, I would highly recommend PyROOT if you are doing anything high-level like making plots and you have to use ROOT.
Useless Orifice
3Oh my god. I am a CERN user. Hence, I am priveleged enough to have the opportunity to interact with a very special group of people here at the lab: the Users’ Office. Today, I will introduce you to this incredibly useful resource by holding a tutorial on the use of their website; trust me — you’ll need help. Feel free to follow along with the screenshots presented below, or have a look at the site yourself: Start Here!
Say you have one (1) task to accomplish on the U.O. website:
- You need to figure out what is required for a move to CERN (e.g., from your home institution)
That’s it. To begin, you have a few options based on the offerings on the lovely home page. Intuitively, you would choose to click on the ‘Before Coming to CERN’ link. After clicking, up pops a lovely PDF file with a flowchart; after three minutes of perusing this, you realize it’s the flowchart from hell. In fact, you’re not even sure where to go from the first balloon. Back to the drawing board. Glancing again at the home page, you think, “Perhaps it’s useful to read the Newcomers Guide — after all, it’s on my to-do list.” After clicking the link (NB: you can choose the link from the menu sidebar or from the body of the page), you’re shocked and astounded by the transformation which has taken place. (more…)
E-mail Etiquette
1CERN Lovers,
Please, allow us to suggest a template for your use when composing e-mails to a working group, or even for your use in everyday communication with colleagues:
The _____ (1) is enabled only for people on _____ (2), coipled[sic] to _____ (3). People not holdig[sic] any expert role are thus not able any longeer[sic] to open a terminal in _____ (4), nor to do any operation on _____ (5). This will stay like this from now on.
Legend:
(1) Insert role here
(2) Insert roster for horrible job here
(3) Insert barely-working scheduling software here
(4) Insert dismal office area here
(5) Insert barely-working physics software here
NB: incorrect spelling is encouraged, and correct grammar should be used sparingly.
Best,
lovehurts
Elephant love
0Below we present a verbatim transcription of the first paragraph of an actual talk given by a CERN physicist before an audience of hundreds.

elephant or snuffleupagus?
So … ahh … I’m here to talk about database access, which ah, is a, essential part of your day, so in, in putting together this talk I was thinking about, about what jobs need and, and how it was much like adopting a pet elephant and what what we’ve done so far is we’ve, we have simulated elephants we’ve been taking care of and elephants can be productive and teach us a lot of things, but, um, and what, and what we basically know is that when our real elephants come they’re gonna need database access and data, and they’re gonna need some efficient and I/O and CPU to get … and we have to take care of all their needs for them to tell us everything that we need to know, but what is really gonna arrive in mid-November is maybe some different creature like a Snuffleupagus, that is somewhat like an elephant but it may be very different.
This speech contains some technical terms, so as physicists and Grid experts, we have uploaded an analysis.
Analysis: Sorry … elephants?? Elephants are like grid jobs? What?!
Any given Tuesday
1On a day which I dubbed suitable for a couple “quick errands,” it all started with a quotidian morning at the bureaucratic and meeting-laden wonderland that is the world’s premiere high energy laboratory:
08:00 – Snooze. Hard.
09:30 – Wake, prepare, bike to CERN. Coffee. To the Users’ Office!
09:55 – Users’ Office lines are my 2nd favorite.
10:55 – Users’ Office experience complete, for now…
11:05 – Arrive at Financial Office after minor confusion navigating Buidlings 3,4, and 58.
11:07 – Walk ashamedly away from Financial Office. Pick-up for reimbursement: the Post Office (?).
11:10 – Post Office lines are my favorite.
…
11:16 – Awkwardly ask Mr. Post Office for my money, struggle to verify my identity.
11:20 – Leave Post Office, rejected. Reimbursements need 24 hrs to be processed.
11:30 – European lunch (of course).
…
13:30 – Return to Users’ Office with the morning’s missing documents.
13:52 – Users’ Office Round 2 complete.
14:29 – Read e-mail from Users’ Office; understand vacuum of U.O. internal communication.
14:31 – Head to Users’ Office for Round 3…
15:00 – Group meeting.
16:42 – Much-needed coffee.
17:00 – Finally, time for work.
Somehow, they pay me to do physics. I have to respect a place that can throw time into a hole so deftly.
Playing a serious game of catch…
0
hurtling water bottle
… with a water bottle. A plastic water bottle, full, possibly unopened. On the green lawn in the evening, outside the patio of R1,
CERN’s pre-eminent cafeteria. Three summer students, with earnest demeanor, spent their evening hours dramatically cocking back their throwing arms as if pitching baseballs, and throwing a water bottle to each other, 50 meters apart, back and forth.
Not laughing. Not joking. Just throwing and catching. As professional athletes do.

where it happened
Back and forth.
Back and forth.
Catch this plastic water bottle, intercept its hard corners. Touch its pregnant belly so full of water, as it hurtles towards your face. It is not a baseball; it is a water bottle.
Dan Brown, you know nothing of CERN. We don’t need frisbees; we have water bottles.












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