where physics and life collide
On the grounds
“I can’t. I have shifts…”
12 years ago
You thought that it was extravagant, the life of a particle physicist at CERN. You thought that daily life in Geneva was chock full of fancy watches, lavish cars, endless mounds of fondue, and the best croissants money can buy. You thought that the work being carried out here at the lab was nothing if not the most pertinent and revolutionary. You thought, “Man, I’d give anything to work at CERN.”
Think again.
Picture this: 50 sq. meters, 60 computer screens, and the guarantee that you’ll be spending the next eight hours of your life holed up here. Tonight, you are on shift. Tonight, from 11pm until 7am, you will be devoting your time to making sure that the detector is functioning properly. Don’t get too excited about this — you won’t actually have any control. Actually, if some component of your system enters a FAIL state, there are only a few options you have before you have to call a detector expert. None of those options will work, I guarantee you. So, you’ll call the Expert. And, no, she won’t be happy to help you, now that it’s 2.17am. But, you’ll survive.
The shifter's local coffee shop.
Then, around 5.27am, you’ll grow tired of nodding off at your bank of PC screens. You’ve been keeping an eye on the detector (it’s fine), keeping an eye on the data coming from the detector (it’s fine), and keeping an eye on that cute girl working a few desks away (she’s fine). But, it’s all you can do to stay awake, so you have to pull a lifeline. Coffee sounds nice, so you head to the nearest coffee shop, two floors above you. Shortly after struggling your cup free from this machine’s deathgrip, you’re well on your way to an ecstasy-laden morning. Best. Coffee. Ever.
At the end of your grueling eight hour shift, you can hardly remember why you had such adverse opinions about the job. One night of pretty boring nothingness (plus a few calls to your favorite detector experts) is hardly worth quitting over. But, then, you remember: this happens again the next night. And the next. Night shifts always come in 3′s…just like the best things in life.
In actuality, being on shift at CERN is a rather important task, and it’s a great way to contribute to the various experiments conducted on the LHC. But, I mean, come on…
Okay, it’s not the worst job; it’s second only to the job of an Expert.
If you’re still interested, and want to live alongside some other shifters, have a look at these webcams:
Also, it’s important to keep in mind that even Tom Hanks has been on shift.
Pipe in a box
02 years ago
metal box with pipe sticking out
Once upon a time, near the vineyards, past a parking lot, where the grass and flowers grow, at the farthest southeast corner of CERN, lived a metal box. This box sat alone and wore a hat. It was also a naughty box and had such a massive erection that a custom-made frame was required to support it. The box did not live near any buildings at all.There was nothing around the box but a few parked cars and grassy fields.
All day long, the box sat and ejaculated warm air and wet drops of some unidentified liquid out into the sunny Swiss air.
Hand-washing at CERN — it’s all in the details
12 years ago
It’s true; scientists need a few gentle reminders every once in a while in order to maintain order and cleanliness. Just take a walk through CERN’s Restaurant 1 in the middle of the lunch hour, and you’ll be swarmed with a multitude of all-too-unpleasant smells resulting from lack of hygiene. In many cases, a not-so-subtle scolding from a significant other will have an effect. But, when it comes to more mundane habits like keeping one’s hands clean, we physicists really need more active guidance. Therefore, CERN has implemented a 12 Step Program designed to educate its community in the ways of hand hygiene. Nowadays, posted in several of the public lavatories around the lab, you’ll be lucky enough to find detailed instructions:
A tutorial.
From now on, you’ll never have to remember this intricate process yourself! An especially useful tool for physicsists, this should also ensure prevention of a massive H1N1 pandemic here at CERN. By following these steps (Wet, Soap, Wrists, Palms, Back of hands, Between fingers, Fingertips, Swirl fingertips, Thumbs, Rinse, Dry, and Turn off taps), you should have no problem keeping your hands squeaky clean. Finally, if you have questions or feedback, feel free to jot your thoughts down on the poster in green ink.
Useless Orifice
32 years ago
Oh my god. I am a CERN user. Hence, I am priveleged enough to have the opportunity to interact with a very special group of people here at the lab: the Users’ Office. Today, I will introduce you to this incredibly useful resource by holding a tutorial on the use of their website; trust me — you’ll need help. Feel free to follow along with the screenshots presented below, or have a look at the site yourself: Start Here!
A great start to a great site.
Say you have one (1) task to accomplish on the U.O. website:
- You need to figure out what is required for a move to CERN (e.g., from your home institution)
That’s it. To begin, you have a few options based on the offerings on the lovely home page. Intuitively, you would choose to click on the ‘Before Coming to CERN’ link. After clicking, up pops a lovely PDF file with a flowchart; after three minutes of perusing this, you realize it’s the flowchart from hell. In fact, you’re not even sure where to go from the first balloon. Back to the drawing board. Glancing again at the home page, you think, “Perhaps it’s useful to read the Newcomers Guide — after all, it’s on my to-do list.” After clicking the link (NB: you can choose the link from the menu sidebar or from the body of the page), you’re shocked and astounded by the transformation which has taken place. (more…)
Playing a serious game of catch…
02 years ago
hurtling water bottle
… with a water bottle. A plastic water bottle, full, possibly unopened. On the green lawn in the evening, outside the patio of R1,
CERN’s pre-eminent cafeteria. Three summer students, with earnest demeanor, spent their evening hours dramatically cocking back their throwing arms as if pitching baseballs, and throwing a water bottle to each other, 50 meters apart, back and forth.
Not laughing. Not joking. Just throwing and catching. As professional athletes do.
where it happened
Back and forth.
Back and forth.
Catch this plastic water bottle, intercept its hard corners. Touch its pregnant belly so full of water, as it hurtles towards your face. It is not a baseball; it is a water bottle.
Dan Brown, you know nothing of CERN. We don’t need frisbees; we have water bottles.
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