Things physicists say
Mar 3rd
For years, an experimental physicist sits through countless hours of physics lectures which mostly focus on the theoretical. Hypothetical is the name of the game. Being engulfed in a sea of abstract jargon, a few phrases really adhere to a physicist’s subconscious, making him prone to conversational non sequiturs. A few qurirks that come to mind are excessive use of the words trivial and coupling. For example, “These cables seem to be trivially wired, yet I can’t tell how these two are coupled.” A little bit of an awkward oratorical toolkit develops over one’s education.
But, I feel that one introductory phrase really exemplifies the problem associated with developing this flavor of vocabulary. Let’s consider the expression, “In principle.” From the Free Dictionary, “in principle” actually seems well defined:
in principle – with regard to fundamentals although not concerning details
Pretty clear, right? “In principle” should probably be used to discuss more lofty or general ideas and situations, as opposed to everyday, common issues. Let’s take a look at a few examples:
Don’t say this:
- In principle, the weather is nice today.
- In principle, I am hungry.
- In principle, I’d like you to plot the diphoton pT as well as the jet pT.
- In principle, we should go out sometime.
Say this:
- In principle, we expect two solutions to this equation.
- I agree with you, in principle.
- In principle, the distributions should be identical.
- In principle, I should find you attractive, but I actually don’t.
Okay, so, maybe don’t say that last one. But, social graces are a whole other lesson that we should probably cover someday soon.
CERN conversations: on rollercoasters
Jan 18th
On a warm day in the late Summer, two physicists sat on the R1 veranda and engaged in a conversation about rollercoasters. We present an excerpt below.
(hearty laughter)
That’s really cool except I imagine the lines for that are long, because they can’t run… two
Two of them! Yeeah, that’s true, the lines are a little bit longer I think, but they go really fast.
Unfortunately I guess that means you know the ride…
ride is fast
ride is fast, yeeah.
But it’s definitely worth doing once or twice.
There’s … There’s Runaway Mountain, which I assume is… everywhere; like that’s the rollercoaster in the dark.
OK.
That’s a lot of fun
Um … there’s….. ahh, there’s Flashback, which is the first one I ever went on that… that goes upside down
OK.
The Shockwave is a bigger one that goes upside down.
Oh and the… the Titan! That is… so that’s supposedly the world’s biggest rollercoaster, yup.
And I assume that; I assume it’s the same one that you went on, like just a diferent edition of it
Yeah.
the same, the same struct… That was spec-tac-u-lar. There’s, There’s one part in it, I’ve ridden in it a few times.There’s one part where you go like, under this thing. On like, So it, it takes you like around on the side a couple times…?
OK. yeah, I don’t, I don’t remember enough details but I…
Oh OK. And it sort of goes and plunges down, and … and there’s like a, you go under an awn… like a little awning. And … you know, I’ve got my hands up, I always kinda shah-ha-hake bah-hack (laughter while speaking) down, cause I’m like, that really looks like I’m about to hit tha-ha-ha-ha-hah! (laughter)
Well they’ve designed it, You know. They’ve designed it to do this…
There’s like, I mean… I don’t think, I don’t think Dikembe Mutombo could touch that thing if he tri-ha-ha-ha-hied
Yeah.
(hearty laughter)
John Bradley of course would lose his hands
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA (very enthusiastic laughter), ri-ha-ha-ha-hight
Yeah.
Like in the West Wing?
Yes.
When the president always ducks every time he gets into a helicopter?
Yup.
He’s like: You don’t think those blades could chop off your head? I don’t think those blades could chop off Dikembe Mutombo’s head!
heheheheheheh
Yeah.
…some moments of silence…
Well thanks for coming out
OK.
CERN Conversations: On units
Nov 11th
From time to time, we here at CERN Love are priveleged enough to overhear some truly amazing discussions. Whether we are wandering through one of CERN’s overcrowded restaurants at the peek of lunch hour, spending 8 grueling hours on a shift, or just casually drinking a coffee in the newly-furnished atrium of lovely Building 40, we are privy to some interesting shit coming out of people’s mouths.
Today, I want to bestow upon you a gem of a dialogue I overheard last week between two not-so-intelligent physicists (with a special appearance by an intelligent physicist!):
Dumbass A : So, if you look here, you can see the output rates…
Dumbass B : …yes, I can follow that. My only question is abou–
Dumbass A : –and don’t forget the units are in [read as 'megahertz'] mHz.
Intelligent Physicist : Actually, the units printed there are millihertz.
[...the two dumbasses stare at the laptop screen, and then confusingly at one another...]
Dumbass B : Well, the ‘k’ in ‘kilohertz’ is lowercase, so…
Dumbass A : …yeah, I think it’s ‘mega.’
[Intelligent Physicist walks away, dumbfounded.]
Now, I’ll be the first to admit that CERN is a wonderfully stimulating place, with many of the world’s greatest minds, but this left me awe-struck. If there’s any confusion:
Answer key.
Even Wikipedia says so! The only other question is: what the hell were they discussing that could be measured in millihertz?
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