where physics and life collide
Around town
Towering rabbit of doom
Mar 22nd
Everyone knows that bunnies are cute and fluffy; why then do human-constructed likenesses of them turn out to be so utterly terrifying? Appearing harmless and adorable in nature, a bunny writ large is at best creepy and at worst, devastating. And yet we insist on creating ever larger monuments to the long-eared ones. It’s possible that our widespread practices of rabbit idolatry perversely reflect some deep and ancient animosity between the races; after all, a child’s first impulse, when given a small (possibly edible) bunny effigy, is to bite off its head. Like other dangerous and potentially world-ending pursuits, CERN finds itself right in the center of the ongoing human vs. bunny struggle, with rabbit flesh prominently featured as a dish on the lab’s rotating menu. Now the world’s tallest chocolate bunny has been erected a stone’s throw away from the LHC in the outskirts of Geneva. Physicists and laypersons alike were encouraged to worship at the feet of this delicious and unholy monstrosity. While other countries may claim to have constructed the most massive, I sincerely doubt anyone can beat this 5-meter tall chocolate bunny.
I fear that our overweening pride has not only threatened the destruction of the universe, but that this graven image shall reach unto the heavens as the ancient tower of Babel, its pointy ears penetrating the event horizon of some intergalactic time warp, bringing down Armageddon upon our heads.
Around town: Milk to go
Jan 13th
Here it is — it’s 8.48pm. You’ve just scarfed half a package of biscotti, with a little help from your friend Nutella. The next thought is, “Jesus, I need some milk.” As you sashay your way to the refrigerator, you start to remember — maybe you finished the milk last night? Did you have it with your cereal this morning? Opening the door to the cold box, your worst fears are realized. OMFG YOU’RE OUT OF MILK. What will you do? You know, and I know, that all the stores in the immediate 100km closed long ago, as you live on the Franco-Swiss border. As it would appear, you are shit out of luck.
…unless you reside in the wonderful community of St-Genis! The city organizers recently rallied in an effort to eliminate late-night milk famine, and have provided the citizens of their locality with a novel addition to the main round-about’s plaza. That’s right, folks. St-Genis now has a milk vending machine:
The mirage.
Whether you drink milk by the cupful or by the liter, this machine will serve your needs. With a flashy and shiny exterior, I’m convinced that any passers-by will be drawn to its majesty as I was. Hell, with that adorable bovine face peering out at you, how could you resist? Fuck the grocers — this thing is open 24/24, 7/7.
I’m licking my lips just thinking about it.
Winter shutdown
Dec 21st
A quiet Christmas
The winter shutdown has begun. CERN closes its doors, turns off the heat, and stops doing physics for two full weeks, starting today. And CERN Love will do the same.
It’s time to say good-bye to 2009 — an epic year — and prepare ourselves for the next stage of CERN craziness. We here at CERN Love have appreciated all your support and willingness to laugh a bit at a place which we are truly lucky to be associated with, but one which is pretty fucking weird. We’ll be on holidays ourselves, trying to party as hard as our colleagues… and it appears we won’t be missing much here at the lab →
The LHC is expected to come back to life near Valentine’s Day/Chinese New Year, 2010 (that is 14 February for those of you who are neither consumers of greeting cards printed in China nor printers of greeting cards printed in China). Don’t worry, CERN Love is expected to come back to life much sooner, around 6 January, shortly after work begins again at CERN.
CERN Love would like to extend our heartfelt season’s greetings to you and yours. As a small gift to you, we attach a gallery of pictures from current and past winters in Geneva (including Fête de l’Escalade) and CERN.
Love,
CERN Love
Busfucked: eyeball punched by God and no help from the TPG
Dec 14th
Friday morning I was woken out of sleep by a fist punch to my right eyeball. My eyeball was punched hard enough that I saw a flash of white light behind my closed eyelids, in the dark room. It was my own fist, apparently directed by the hand of God. There was no dream that prompted this punch, and no immediate obvious explanation comes to mind, which is how I know it was God. Thanks dude.
I was pretty sure I was going to go blind, so I thought I’d try to maximize the remaining life out of my throbbing eyeball by heading to work. I headed to the tram stop where I heard some announcement being broadcast loudly but I couldn’t make out what it was saying. After waiting a little too long for the tram (I prefer sleek, quiet and smooth transport options over dirty, loud and bouncy) I gave up and jumped on a bus, the most crowded bus ever in the history of my career working at CERN. Eventually it became clear that the trams weren’t running at all because of a student demonstration obstructing the tram tracks, and they didn’t really call in extra replacement buses. OK. Note to self: student demonstration = “manifestation des étudiants.” Thanks, étudiants.
Then it was time to transfer to bus number 56 at Avanchet, which is the last time I will ever have to do that, incidentally. I waited for like 20 minutes (WAY TOO LONG, SOMETHING IS WRONG) and watched multiple 29′s go by until I realized the 56 ain’t coming. So I decided to hop on the next 29 and hike the rest of the way to CERN from P+R Planche. As I had walked just far enough that it wasn’t possible to turn back to catch any more buses, guess who rolled up?! BUS 56!! Followed about one minute later by another bus 56!! Thanks, Transports Publics Genevois.
FFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUU…..
International travels: interrogations
Oct 9th
Border crossing in front of CERN
Just beyond the main entrance, the road in front of CERN crosses from Switzerland to France at an important border station. CERN is not just international in its political status and spirit, it is physically international: the main site straddles the two countries. In its early years CERN was entirely within Switzerland, but only just barely. Later expansion now puts most of its area in France. Still, outside of limited weekday hours the only entrance is from Switzerland, and many employees and users from other countries choose to live in France. The international border has kept the “French suburbs” of Geneva, which surround the city on three sides, distinctly less developed. Because of this, housing can be cheaper and distinctly easier to find on the French side of the border (though prices have been equalizing over time and apartment searches are still not without their frustrations). So for many the everyday the commute requires a border crossing. This was the situation I was in a few years back.
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Around town: unmatched cargo to vehicle weight ratio
Oct 2nd
You might be amazed at what you can move with two wheels and a few CCs. We passed this fellow in Meyrin on the main route from Geneva to CERN. The bike is motorized, but only barely, notice it has pedals too! This is near the top of the hill in Meyrin, the ideal place to be with a rig like this. Most importantly, you have to appreciate this man’s impeccable sense of style: the plaid dog-bag perfectly coordinates dog, bike, and attire.
How I did NOT find an apartment
Sep 30th
Everyone that moves to CERN gets to experience it: the apartment hunt. Missed appointments, shitty furnishings, and questionably strange landlords are just a few of the guaranteed spices one tastes when sampling the Housing Buffet in Geneva and its nearby French villages.
Recently, I expressed interest to a certain CERN engineer who was advertising a studio in St. Genis for a reasonable price. I visited, and told him immediately that I would take the apartment. After informing me that there was one other competitor in the queue to visit the unit, he said that he would contact me at the beginning of the following week with information about applying for the apartment. It was CLEAR that day that both myself and my rival would be applying, and that it would be up to the rental agency as to which of us got to start a lease. Needless to say, I was skeptical…
By Tuesday of the next week, I had not heard from said engineer, so I wrote him a message:
Engineer,
Is there any news about the apartment? Will I still be able to submit an application?
Regards
lovehurts
…no response…
Wednesday, Thursday…no response…
On Friday, I received this e-mail from my engineer-friend:
Dear lovehurts,
the studio is renting now
have a good day
best regards
P
(NB: This was NOT in response to my follow-up e-mail. Nay, he sent this e-mail as a response to my initial message to him, in which I expressed interest in visiting the studio…)
In case that’s not clear to the readers, allow me to translate:
Dear lovehurts,
Hey asshole,
the studio is renting now
Fuck you!
have a good day
Fuck you again!
best regards
Do not ever speak to me or attempt to contact me again,
P
–The Engineer
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