where physics and life collide
biglove
(4 comments, 25 posts)
This user hasn't shared any profile information
Posts by biglove
Elephant love
02 years ago
by biglove
in You're doing it wrong
Below we present a verbatim transcription of the first paragraph of an actual talk given by a CERN physicist before an audience of hundreds.
elephant or snuffleupagus?
So … ahh … I’m here to talk about database access, which ah, is a, essential part of your day, so in, in putting together this talk I was thinking about, about what jobs need and, and how it was much like adopting a pet elephant and what what we’ve done so far is we’ve, we have simulated elephants we’ve been taking care of and elephants can be productive and teach us a lot of things, but, um, and what, and what we basically know is that when our real elephants come they’re gonna need database access and data, and they’re gonna need some efficient and I/O and CPU to get … and we have to take care of all their needs for them to tell us everything that we need to know, but what is really gonna arrive in mid-November is maybe some different creature like a Snuffleupagus, that is somewhat like an elephant but it may be very different.
This speech contains some technical terms, so as physicists and Grid experts, we have uploaded an analysis.
Analysis: Sorry … elephants?? Elephants are like grid jobs? What?!
Playing a serious game of catch…
02 years ago
hurtling water bottle
… with a water bottle. A plastic water bottle, full, possibly unopened. On the green lawn in the evening, outside the patio of R1,
CERN’s pre-eminent cafeteria. Three summer students, with earnest demeanor, spent their evening hours dramatically cocking back their throwing arms as if pitching baseballs, and throwing a water bottle to each other, 50 meters apart, back and forth.
Not laughing. Not joking. Just throwing and catching. As professional athletes do.
where it happened
Back and forth.
Back and forth.
Catch this plastic water bottle, intercept its hard corners. Touch its pregnant belly so full of water, as it hurtles towards your face. It is not a baseball; it is a water bottle.
Dan Brown, you know nothing of CERN. We don’t need frisbees; we have water bottles.
The Lepton is broken
12 years ago
by biglove
in E-mail adventures
A CERN research scientist recently sent me this email:
Conference room Lepton is broken, please take a look.
Thanks.
the Lepton
To learn more about leptons, see the Wikipedia entry.
CERN coffee man
02 years ago
CERN coffee man,
a cup of CERN espresso
I enter the courtyard.
CERN coffee man,
you make eye contact from behind your reading glasses and maintain it as I approach.
CERN coffee man,
your glasses are always on your face but you never use them for reading.
CERN coffee man,
your eyes are halfway behind your glasses and your expression is … quizzical.
CERN coffee man,
when I order coffee in French you answer in English.
CERN coffee man,
when I order coffee in English you answer in French.
An inexplicable scene in the lavabo
32 years ago
stairway descending to the lavabo
Restaurant 1 (R1) is the main CERN “restaurant” (but let’s be honest here, it’s a cafeteria). Around the corner, underground, is a lavabo, a beautiful French word meaning “toilets.” I hopped down the stairs and breezed in to what is probably the largest men’s room at CERN, heading for the urinals, when my nonchalant progress was checked by a considerable pool of water covering the entire floor. As I re-assessed my surroundings, I saw a 10-year old boy holding a baby on his arm while standing at the urinal.
My eyes processed this scene quickly; I felt confusion, then looked again to make sure the boy wasn’t a woman, as if a woman standing at a urinal in the men’s room makes more sense. Becoming flustered, I jumped over the edge of the water and locked myself inside a stall, where I attempted in vain to comprehend what I had just seen.
It’s too bad they don’t have CERN toilets on Diaroogle yet, or else I could have avoided this scenario.
Feedback