Archive for January, 2010
Apocalypse CERN
0In my last post there was much talk of monorails, puppies, and Flashforward, which is a book that came out in 1999. So why am I suddenly down with 1999? It’s all thanks to ABC Studios’ desperate need to spackle some twisted-timeline programming into the gaping hole that will be left when their mega-hit Lost completes its final season this year. Their solution is a FlashForward for TV, loosely based on the novel. The premise that both the book and TV show share is that for some reason every human on Earth passes out for two minutes and during that time sees their life at a specific date in the future. In the book it is 21 years in the future, in the TV show it is 6 months in the future (set in the present time, the show chooses the date they plan for the season finale).
Actually other than the basic premise just described there seem to be few similarities. The book takes place around CERN, and the LHC turn-on is the likely culprit. The TV show, on the other hand, is set in Los Angles with some FBI agents that don’t have a clue about the cause of the flashforward and presumably at least the entire season will be devoted to piecing together the clues.
Technically all this information may constitute a spoiler, at least according to this Bad Astronomy post. I assume what they are referring to is the fact that the LHC may turn out to be the culprit in the TV version. Of course I didn’t go to any trouble to warn you about spoilers because that is just absurd. The connection to CERN in the book is pretty damn easy to run across (try the third line of Google’s “flashforward“), and there is no reason they couldn’t come up with a different explanation, the surprise of which wasn’t recorded in great detail 10 years ago. So, I’m betting the LHC won’t be up for an Emmy next year, but it wouldn’t hurt for those of you around CERN to keep your eyes open for film crews.
Time magazine has a video interview with Robert Sawyer about his book, the TV show, and CERN (it’s embeded in that “spoiling” Discovery Mag post and also below). After speaking about the book and CERN, the issue of what might be revealed in the TV show is brought up, and of course Sawyer declines to comment.
Also, if you crave even more, CERN has some video interviews with Robert Sawyer and John Ellis about Flashforward.
FlashForward is on a mid-season break right now, but it will be back in March and for now you can watch the 10 already broadcast episodes on Hulu. (Sadly, Hulu doesn’t work outside the US. Those at CERN or generally engaged in unAmerican living: Tekzilla explains how to use an open proxy. In the Tekzilla video they use proxy-list.org which has given me useful proxies, though it can take a few tries and, as they say on Tekzilla, for security reason you definitely shouldn’t use these for anything but watching videos.)
Also, for even more physics going awry you should definitely check out the short film “Rift” (found via Discovery News). Its hard to imagine this wasn’t inspired by the LHC considering it was made last year, if you watch the spinning atom-ish orbs during the presentation you will note that RHIC gets the blame. Also note that “Rift” has the best opening line in cinema, “Morning Mr. Scientist, I made blueberry pancakes!” Have I ever gotten that from my wife? I think not. Mostly it is just “Hey Mr. Lazy, I don’t care if you were up all night tending your batch jobs, get up and make me some cream of wheat!”
If you continue “reading” you can enjoy both the first episode of FlashForward and Rift embedded below.
Monorails
4The LHC must have received a visit from a fast talking Mr. Lanley because I just learned that they have a monorail, and it’s name is TIM! How did this slip by me until now?
TIM stands for Train Inspection Monorail, which is a hugely awkward redundancy and goes to show that no grammar will stand between a scientists and his acronym. (Unless I turn out to be hugely misinformed: does the LHC tunnel contain another train, one of such vital importance that they built a monorail to inspect it?) Someone is clearly very wedded to “TIM”. But, if this boxy ceiling crawler absolutely must play the role of nondescript schoolyard chum in the “unique” three-act play that our robot descendants will write about every last one of us, is there a reason we’re not working from Tunnel Inspection Monorail?
TIM is expected to be useful for preliminary environmental inspections before workers or emergency crews enter. It may also be used for inspecting the collimators, which become one of the most radioactive elements of the machine after running. (The collimators sweep away stray protons around the beam and so end up taking a substantial particle bombardment.) In addition, I might propose that TIM, at 30×30 cm, is also the perfect size for moving puppies.
There is an easy-reading technical note on CDS if you crave more monorail info. No puppies are mentioned.
If you will allow a touch of free association, it’s as good a time as any to mention Flashforward, a novel by Robert Sawyer, that I have been hearing about recently though it was published back in 1999. It is set in and around CERN and centers around a cataclysmic event precipitated by the LHC. (A new TV show loosely based on the novel has been running in the US, I’ll have more to say about it in a future post.) From the science media commentary and the few excerpts I have read, it seems to take a more realistic view of CERN than Dan’s Brown stain, Angels and Demons.
But, one liberty Flashforward does take is to describe scientists traveling around the LHC via monorail. “Utter poppycock!” I would exclaim… until today. If by “scientists” Sawyer was speaking of puppies, then I think he’s on to something.
(Oh, and the book also mentions flying cars. It just might be a good read, but fuck flying cars.)
Addendum: I ran across another article on TIM, “Remotely-operated equipment for inspection, measurement and handling.”
Rusty pipes
3Every unused parking lot and road side is a potential scrapyard, and CERN is blessed with a lot of strange junk. Here’s a random example. Any ideas what this was?
Shifts: revisited
0In my previous rant about taking shifts, I made a veiled criticism to the quality of coffee served in the nearby vending area. After all, with this being the heart of the Franco-Swiss megaplex, one would expect there to be good coffee just about anywhere you go. As it stands, CERN is actually quite well known for its high-grade coffee outlets in Restaurant 1, Restaurant 2, and various other cafes around the lab (some popular ones are in Building 40 and Building 30). However, as is the case at Point 1 (where ATLAS physicists take shifts), people are reduced to paying for coffee to come out of something like this:

Real coffee bean selection on the left, instant coffee selection on the right. I'm serious.
I hesitate to actually call that coffee. I mean, considering the depths of the abysmal sorrow, lonliness, and despair felt by a shifter on a cold Saturday morning around 04am, couldn’t the powers that be grace us with something a little more…legitimate?
Well, ATLAS be praised. They have. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the invention which make shifts tolerable — meet our new Nespresso machine:

Things are looking up.
CERN conversations: on rollercoasters
0On a warm day in the late Summer, two physicists sat on the R1 veranda and engaged in a conversation about rollercoasters. We present an excerpt below.
(hearty laughter)
That’s really cool except I imagine the lines for that are long, because they can’t run… two
Two of them! Yeeah, that’s true, the lines are a little bit longer I think, but they go really fast.
Unfortunately I guess that means you know the ride…
ride is fast
ride is fast, yeeah.
But it’s definitely worth doing once or twice.
There’s … There’s Runaway Mountain, which I assume is… everywhere; like that’s the rollercoaster in the dark.
OK.
That’s a lot of fun
Um … there’s….. ahh, there’s Flashback, which is the first one I ever went on that… that goes upside down
OK.
The Shockwave is a bigger one that goes upside down.
Oh and the… the Titan! That is… so that’s supposedly the world’s biggest rollercoaster, yup.
And I assume that; I assume it’s the same one that you went on, like just a diferent edition of it
Yeah.
the same, the same struct… That was spec-tac-u-lar. There’s, There’s one part in it, I’ve ridden in it a few times.There’s one part where you go like, under this thing. On like, So it, it takes you like around on the side a couple times…?
OK. yeah, I don’t, I don’t remember enough details but I…
Oh OK. And it sort of goes and plunges down, and … and there’s like a, you go under an awn… like a little awning. And … you know, I’ve got my hands up, I always kinda shah-ha-hake bah-hack (laughter while speaking) down, cause I’m like, that really looks like I’m about to hit tha-ha-ha-ha-hah! (laughter)
Well they’ve designed it, You know. They’ve designed it to do this…
There’s like, I mean… I don’t think, I don’t think Dikembe Mutombo could touch that thing if he tri-ha-ha-ha-hied
Yeah.
(hearty laughter)
John Bradley of course would lose his hands
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA (very enthusiastic laughter), ri-ha-ha-ha-hight
Yeah.
Like in the West Wing?
Yes.
When the president always ducks every time he gets into a helicopter?
Yup.
He’s like: You don’t think those blades could chop off your head? I don’t think those blades could chop off Dikembe Mutombo’s head!
heheheheheheh
Yeah.
…some moments of silence…
Well thanks for coming out
OK.
Billion dollar seismograph
1While the LHC is temporarily shutdown in preparation for more collisions in February, in the US the Tevatron collides away, cranking out top quarks, and collecting new data every day. Here’s an interesting tidbit: the tolerances of these accelerators are so tight that they make pretty good earthquake detectors. While the Tevatron was running a few nights ago the tilt sensors recorded the earthquake in Haiti happening 1800 miles away,

Around town: Milk to go
2Here it is — it’s 8.48pm. You’ve just scarfed half a package of biscotti, with a little help from your friend Nutella. The next thought is, “Jesus, I need some milk.” As you sashay your way to the refrigerator, you start to remember — maybe you finished the milk last night? Did you have it with your cereal this morning? Opening the door to the cold box, your worst fears are realized. OMFG YOU’RE OUT OF MILK. What will you do? You know, and I know, that all the stores in the immediate 100km closed long ago, as you live on the Franco-Swiss border. As it would appear, you are shit out of luck.
…unless you reside in the wonderful community of St-Genis! The city organizers recently rallied in an effort to eliminate late-night milk famine, and have provided the citizens of their locality with a novel addition to the main round-about’s plaza. That’s right, folks. St-Genis now has a milk vending machine:

The mirage.
Whether you drink milk by the cupful or by the liter, this machine will serve your needs. With a flashy and shiny exterior, I’m convinced that any passers-by will be drawn to its majesty as I was. Hell, with that adorable bovine face peering out at you, how could you resist? Fuck the grocers — this thing is open 24/24, 7/7.
I’m licking my lips just thinking about it.
HOT AIR 160° C FOOD HOSE
0My 2010 New Year’s resolution is to eat/drink/inhale all my food/liquid/oxygen through this HOT AIR 160° C FOOD HOSE.
Where documents go to die
1The CERN Document Server or CDS is a piece of software only its coder could love. For the most part it fulfills its function of storing and organizing documents, and it is clear a lot of work has gone into it. But, sadly, I can’t recall ever thinking to myself “wow, this really makes my life easier.”
In the past I have never had good luck searching for documents. Even if I know that such a document exists. Even if I in fact authored the document. Even if I personally submitted the document, I have still had trouble finding the document. One solution, at least in the last case, is to use the “Your Submissions” page associated with your account. Here is roughly what you will see if you’ve submitted a note for approval,
If you click on the image and pop-up the full sized version you will be presented with a perfect reproduction of what the most critical part of this page looks like rendered in almost any browser. Go ahead and try to read that grey line, the characters are no more than 6 pixels high. The status column in this case reads “finished.”
Anticipating that the user will likely have hundreds of submissions, all of which she demands appear on one page and yet none of which she actually wants to be able to read, the designers have decided to employ the smallest font a browser can legibly render. Then they shrink the most critical information, the line listing the actual data such as document approval status and identification numbers, just a little bit more (technically, with HTML’s <small> tag).
This text, which is not quite entirely illegible, might be forgiven if it were not for the fact that not a single bit of data on that 6 pixel high line is linked to anything. At the very least you would think that the reference number would link to the full document record, and it certainly would be handy if the action and status values linked to more details about each. Instead, after waving my mouse around in utter disbelief every time I find myself on this page, I end up squinting as I select and copy the document reference number.
The search box is only located on a dedicated search page; because, really, who needs easy access to searches on a document server? I go find the search box and paste in the reference number.
This is the point at which one starts to feel a little cocky. As you paste this nice unique identifier into a box on that dedicated search page it seems as if the whole world is finally now wrapping around your finger. And in that moment between mouse-down and mouse-up, as the shaded relief of [search] inverts and reverts, it seems this “document server” is now finally, inevitably forced to unlock it secrets, maybe to even “serve a document” to you. But, alas, if you are like me and don’t always suffer through the fame and glory of publishing public documents and instead are content to be the only person to read and reread your internally published, verbose and yet highly specific yammering, then at this point you are greeted with
No public collection matched your query. If you were looking for a non-public document, please choose the desired restricted collection first.
WTF?! To see the list of “Your Submissions” I obviously am logged in. Why the fudge can’t CDS figure this out and search every damn collection that I have access to? Instead, even though I am the holder of both an authenticated session and a unique identifier for a document which I submitted myself, I am now forced to scroll through approximately 350 collections and make a guess as to which one my document is in. Thankfully, it is not hard to identify a few good possibilities, but these collections either need to be searched one at a time or each selected one at a time in separate pull-down menus before doing the search.














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